Line Ira who runs the Perfect Sounds Forever concept in Bergen invited me to warm up for Jeffrey Lewis & Los Bolts when they came to Bergen. So I brought my fathers Alhambra nylon string guitar and played a few songs from The Course of Things and Our Insignificance (iTunes, Spotify) that I released back in february just after my father passed.
I’ve been struggling a little whether I should «use» my father’s death in my music, and really had to think things through: I don’t want to prostitute myself or the people I love to stand on some stage. But life events like these is exactly why music has become so important, it is a therapy and for my own sake and if someone finds any joy or comfort in it then I am grateful. When I sing I sing about the things that puzzle me or occupy my mind. For the last eight or nine years or so my fathers illness has played a big part in my life, and the last six months of his life was a true nightmare. Emotionally it was so for me aswell, but what hurt me was to see how much he hurt, and the terror and angst that tortured him up until he left for good.
The last week he lived I lived in the nursing home with him, sleeping in the room next door. When I wasn’t by his bed side I was in my room, recording. The four EPs that came out winter/spring this year was all recorded there. So that I will never forget that time. So that I will never forget how much I loved my father. After he passed this has become increasingly more important to me to remember. His girlfriend derailed the minute my dad couldn’t speak anymore and revealed a side of human nature I thought I’d never get to experience. That ring she put on his finger a month before he died – little did I know she would use that to take every material thing away from me and my brother. How I wish my father could see what is happening now. What happened there in his room when he was too medicated and sick to stay awake. When faced with greed and mental sickness of this kind I’ve had to focus on what matters the most: the life I have, the life my father had, the life me and him had together. In objects there is no trace of that. I remember my dad talking about his love for Fernando Pessoa – the power of imagination. But it takes a lot, a lot.
Well. Anyway. Here’s a song that sums up a few things about fatherhood, childhood, death and family.